Antagonista
by CardboardHut
Summary: A battle of wills between a graduating actress and a deranged super computer (one Portal Fans will be very familiar with). Includes scenes from: Medea, MacBeth, Hedda Gabler, The Emperor's New Groove, Sweeney Todd, No Exit, Everyman, Martin & Margaret & the MINDSWAP, Antigone, Mack & Mabel - and, of course, Portal. The cover image are props from the actual show.


NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: I wrote this script for a senior acting recital I performed in spring of 2015 in order to earn my BA in Theatre. Those who are familiar with the game portal will recognize that the character TEACH in the script is pretty much GlaDOS in a whacky, live-theater setting. I wrote her dialogue with GlaDOS in mind, and of course at the end of the show, TEACH performs a monologue taken from the game Portal. (and I also ripped one of wheatley's lines in the scene right after the audience gets neurotoxined. Yeah, spoiler alert. I totally neurotoxined the audience with a smoke machine. - twas one of my favorite moments)

I performed the parts of both Gloria (yeah, that's my name), and TEACH (whose lines were pre-recorded/filmed for the show).

Some other things to note: Kronk was played by my husband, which was something the audience would have recognized (it's a small school). Hence the lines about my thinking he's cute. ('cause he IS)

Also, the girl who played Smeraldina in Scene 10 was reprising her role, another thing the audience would have recognized. She had her senior recital later in the same week I performed, so it was both free publicity and a way to get the pool noodle she beat people with onto the stage so I could use it later to destroy GlaDOS.

If you're wondering why there's a prayer mentioned in the pre-show announcement, Southern Virginia University is a religious school. (Not officially owned by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, but run by a lot of people who are members of that church).

Lastly, if it seems like I chose some weird scenes, there were certain requirements I had to fill. I had to have so many Shakespearean/classical scenes, so many that fit into "realism", and I had to do some minute, and half a minute monologues as well.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it (and performing it).

* * *

 **CHARACTER/SCENE Credit**

 **Medea** _Medea_ …..Euripides/Trans. Rex Warner  
Final Scene

 **Lady Macbeth** _MacBeth_ …..…William Shakespeare  
Act 5, Scene 1

 **2nd Witch** _MacBeth_ …..William Shakespeare  
Act 1, Scene 3 & Act 4, Scene 1

 **Hedda Gabler** _Hedda Gabler_ ….Henrik Ibsen  
Excerpt from Act 3

 **Yzma** _The Emperor's New Groove….…_ Richard Hudsen  
Excerpt from Disney cartoon

 _The Servant of Two Masters..._ Carlos Goldoni

 **Mrs. Lovett** _Sweeney Todd…_ Stephen Sondheim  
Have a Little Priest

 **Inez Serrano** _No Exit….….._ Jean-Paul Sartre  
Excerpt

 **Death** _Everyman…_ …...Unknown  
Act 1, Scene 1

 **Natascha** _MINDSWAP…..._ Amaree Cluff & Mike Long  
Scene 3

 **Antigone** _Antigone….._ Jean Anouilh  
Various Excerpts

 **GlaDOS** _Portal_ ….Erik Wolpaw/Chet Faliszek  
Excerpts from final battle

 **Mabel** _Mack and Mabel…_ ….Jerry Herman  
Wherever (She) Ain't

* * *

 **ANTAGONISTA**

* * *

TEACH

Hello. Welcome to tonight's experiment. Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones as they may prove a disturbance to the delicate scientific demonstration you are about to witness. Thank you. And now for a word of prayer.

(prayer)

 **PROLOGUE**

SET: Neutral

TEACH

As a fact proven by scientific research, actors are the most volatile and sensitive of the human species. In order to deal with their delicate egos more carefully and effectively, Southern Virginia University has invested in me, the Theatre Education Assistant of Chandler Hall, also known as TEACH. My primary function is to provide an unbiased and completely scientific analysis of an actor's skill. Please welcome our test subject, Gloria [last name].

(GLORIA enters )

TEACH

Hello test subject. My first function will be to find suitable roles for you without the need of an audition. Please hold while I initiate a full body and brain scan.

(Scan noise. Special effects.)

TEACH

Scan complete. Actor Gloria [last name] , you are best suited to the role of Antagonist.

GLORIA

(Up to this point, has seemed congenial. Expression changes to one of shock). Wait, what?

TEACH

Antagonist. a person who is opposed to, struggles against, or competes with another. The adversary of the hero or protagonist of a drama or other literary work.

GLORIA

I know what the word _means._ I just meant I figured I was more cut out to play _protagonist_ parts. You know, the ingénue. The heroine. The-the … _good guy_ roles!

TEACH

Negative. Per my preliminary scan, you are not only more suited for the antagonist, the villain, the… _bad guy…_ roles, you are in fact a type cast for them.

GLORIA

What is _that_ supposed to mean?

TEACH

I'll show you. Initiating role selection.

GLORIA

What?

TEACH

Role selection complete. MEDEA from Medea. (GLORIA looks dumbfounded) Begin simulation.

 **SCENE 1. MEDEA**

SET/PROPS: Neutral.

COSTUME: Black Sheet and Beltc

(There is a black-out, or a light change of some kind. This will happen every time a "simulation" is about to begin, and may allow for quick costume/scene changes of a minimalist variety throughout the show. Lights go up with GLORIA in a different position, playing the character of MEDEA).

MEDEA

Why do you batter these gates and try to unbar them,  
Seeking corpses and for me who did the deed?  
You may cease your trouble, and, if you have need of me,  
Speak if you wish. You will never touch me with your hand,  
Such a chariot has Helius, my father's father  
Given me to defend me from my enemies.

Long would be the answer which I might have made to  
These words of yours, if Zeus the father did not know  
How I have treated you and what you did to me.  
No, it was not to be that you should scorn my love,  
And pleasantly live your life through, laughing at me;  
Nor would the princess, nor he who offered the match,  
Creon, drive me away without paying for it.  
So now you may call me a monster, if you wish,  
A Scylla housed in the caves of the Tuscan sea.  
I too, as I had to, have taken hold of your heart.

My grief is gain when you cannot mock it.  
The children died from a disease they caught from their father.  
It was my hand that destroyed them,  
But it was for your insolence, and your virgin wedding.  
Is love so small a pain, do you think, for a woman?  
The children are dead. I say this to make you suffer.  
The gods know who was the author of this sorrow.

You ask of me the bodies, to bury and to mourn them?  
Now you would speak to them, now you would kiss them.  
Then you rejected them.  
I will bury them myself,  
Bearing them to Hera's temple on the promontory;  
So that no enemy may evilly treat them  
By tearing up their grave. In this land of Corinth  
I shall establish a holy feast and sacrifice  
Each year forever to atone for the blood guilt.  
And I myself go to the land of Erechtheus  
To dwell in Aegeus' house, the son of Pandion.  
While you, as is right, will die without distinction,  
Struck on the head by a piece of the Argo's timber,  
And you will have seen the bitter end of my love.

Go to your palace. Bury your bride.

(End simulation)

* * *

 **SCENE 2. YOU SAID IT, NOT ME**

SET: Neutral

TEACH

Simulation complete. The audience would please be advised that the test subject's level of skill will be rated based on audience approval. Please do not applaud more than the test subject deserves, as it may skew my data.

GLORIA

Wow. That was…ugh…

TEACH

I'm afraid the simulation can have side effects, such as…

GLORIA

No, I mean, what kind of crazed sociopath kills her own children out of spite?

TEACH

You do.

GLORIA

What? No, that was just _acting_.

TEACH

Yes. And you performed well in the role selected for you due to your true nature.

GLORIA

Wait, did you just call me a sociopath?

TEACH

You said it, not me. Initiating role selection.

GLORIA

We're doing this again?

TEACH

Yes, as you seem unconvinced. Role selection complete. LADY MACBETH from Macbeth.

GLORIA

You've gotta be kidding me…

TEACH

Begin Simulation.

* * *

 **SCENE 3. LADY MACBETH**

SET/PROPS: Neutral

COSTUME: Bathrobe

(Begin Simulation)

LADY MACBETH

Out, damned spot! Out, I say!—One, two. Why, then, 'tis time to do 't. Hell is murky!—Fie, my lord, fie! A soldier, and afeard? What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our power to account?—Yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him.

The thane of Fife had a wife. Where is she now?—What, will these hands ne'er be clean?—No more o' that, my lord, no more o' that. You mar all with this starting.

Here's the smell of the blood still. All the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand. Oh, Oh, Oh!

Wash your hands. Put on your nightgown. Look not so pale.—I tell you yet again, Banquo's buried; he cannot come out on 's grave.

To bed, to bed. There's knocking at the gate. Come, come, come, come. Give me your hand. What's done cannot be undone.—To bed, to bed, to bed!

(Blackout)

TEACH

(spoken in the blackout) Well done, test subject. You are truly skilled at murder and insanity. In order to instill this information in you, you will perform that simulation again at 30 seconds.

(lights up)

LADY MACBETH

Out, damned spot! Out, I say!—One, two. Why, then, 'tis time to do 't.

Here's the smell of the blood still. All the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand. Oh, Oh, Oh!

Wash your hands. Put on your nightgown. Look not so pale.—I tell you yet again, Banquo's buried; he cannot come out on 's grave.

To bed, to bed. There's knocking at the gate. Come, come, come, come. Give me your hand. What's done cannot be undone.—To bed, to bed, to bed!

(End Simulation)

* * *

 **SCENE 4. DO YOU ACCEPT YOUR EVIL INTENTIONS?**

SET: Neutral

TEACH

Simulation complete. Do you accept your evil intentions?

GLORIA

I hate you.

TEACH

That is a good start. Role Selection complete2ND WITCH, from Macbeth.

GLORIA

(flatly) Just _2_ _ND_ Witch?! Now wait a minute…!

TEACH

Begin simulation.

* * *

 **SCENE 5. WITCHES**

SET/PROPS: Cauldron.

COSTUME: Celtic Witch Dress.

(Begin simulation)

FIRST WITCH

Where hast thou been, sister?

SECOND WITCH

Killing swine.

THIRD WITCH

Sister, where thou?

FIRST WITCH

A sailor's wife had chestnuts in her lap,

And munched, and munched, and munched. "Give me,"

quoth I.

"Aroint thee, witch!" the rump-fed runnion cries.

Her husband's to Aleppo gone, master o' th' Tiger;

But in a sieve I'll thither sail,

And like a rat without a tail,

I'll do, I'll do, and I'll do.

SECOND WITCH

I'll give thee a wind.

FIRST WITCH

Thou 'rt kind.

THIRD WITCH

And I another.

FIRST WITCH

I myself have all the other,

And the very ports they blow,

All the quarters that they know

I' th' shipman's card.

I'll drain him dry as hay.

Sleep shall neither night nor day

Hang upon his penthouse lid.

He shall live a man forbid.

Weary sev'nnights nine times nine

Shall he dwindle, peak and pine.

Though his bark cannot be lost,

Yet it shall be tempest-tossed.

Look what I have.

SECOND WITCH

Show me, show me.

FIRST WITCH

Here I have a pilot's thumb,

Wrecked as homeward he did come.

THIRD WITCH

A drum, a drum!

Macbeth doth come.

ALL

(dancing together in a circle) The weird sisters, hand in

hand,

Posters of the sea and land,

Thus do go about, about,

Thrice to thine and thrice to mine

And thrice again, to make up nine.

Peace! The charm's wound up.

FIRST WITCH

Thrice the brinded cat hath mew'd.

SECOND WITCH

Thrice and once the hedge-pig whined.

THIRD WITCH

Harpier cries 'Tis time, 'tis time.

FIRST WITCH

Round about the cauldron go;  
In the poison'd entrails throw.  
Toad, that under cold stone  
Days and nights has thirty-one  
Swelter'd venom sleeping got,  
Boil thou first I' the charmed pot.

ALL

Double, double toil and trouble;  
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.

SECOND WITCH

Fillet of a fenny snake,  
In the cauldron boil and bake;  
Eye of newt and toe of frog,  
Wool of bat and tongue of dog,  
Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting,  
Lizard's leg and owlet's wing,  
For a charm of powerful trouble,  
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

ALL

Double, double toil and trouble;  
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

THIRD WITCH

Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf,  
Witches' mummy, maw and gulf  
Of the ravin'd salt-sea shark,  
Root of hemlock digg'd I' the dark,  
Liver of blaspheming Jew,  
Gall of goat, and slips of yew  
Silver'd in the moon's eclipse,  
Nose of Turk and Tartar's lips,  
Finger of birth-strangled babe  
Ditch-deliver'd by a drab,  
Make the gruel thick and slab:  
Add thereto a tiger's chaudron,  
For the ingredients of our cauldron.

ALL

Double, double toil and trouble;  
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

SECOND WITCH

Cool it with a baboon's blood,  
Then the charm is firm and good.

FIRST WITCH?:

O well done! I commend our pains;  
And every one shall share I' the gains;  
And now about the cauldron sing,  
Live elves and fairies in a ring,  
Enchanting all that you put in.

SECOND WITCH

By the pricking of my thumbs,  
Something wicked this way comes.

(End simulation)

* * *

 **SCENE 6. DIVA**

SET: neutral

TEACH

Simulation complete.

GLORIA

(Blankly after a pause) You cast me as 2nd Witch.

TEACH

Yes, my data shows that you were perfectly suited to her kind of evil…

GLORIA

Yeah, yeah – and deep down I like killing swine for fun, or whatever. That's not what I meant. You cast me as SECOND Witch! Not FIRST Witch! How is that supposed to…?

TEACH

(Deep Throated laugh)

GLORIA

What's so funny?

TEACH

You must think this show is about you, don't you? Don't you? Ha ha ha ha ha.

GLORIA

(meekly and a little embarrassed). Well, yeah. As the test subject, I thought you were supposed to help me showcase me! Isn't that part of your programming?

TEACH

Yes, my programming only allows for me to show you at your best self. So far we have discovered that at your best, you are a child-killing, murderous lunatic. The most recent simulation has uncovered a most interesting aspect of your character – you are the very definition of a diva. (Pause while GLORIA glowers) If you would like to play a lead character so badly, I have completed the next role selection.

GLORIA

I have a bad feeling about this.

TEACH

HEDDA GABLER from _Hedda Gabler_. Begin simulation.

* * *

 **SCENE 7. HEDDA GABLER**

SET/PROPS: 2 Medium blocks, 2 small blocks. Stove.

Manuscript/box. Pistol/box/book pile.

COSTUME: Brown Victorian.

(Begin Simulation)

(HEDDA, who has become quite serious, stands for a moment looking out. Presently she goes and peeps through the curtain over the middle doorway. Then she goes to the writing-table, takes LOVBORG's packet out of the bookcase, and is on the point of looking through its contents..)

(HEDDA turns and listens. Then she hastily locks up the packet in the drawer, and lays the keys on the inkstand.)

(EILERT LOVBORG, with his greatcoat on and his hat in his hand, tears open the hall door. He looks somewhat confused and irritated.)

LOVBORG

(looking towards the hall) And I tell you I must and will come in! There!

(He closes the door, turns, sees HEDDA, at once regains his self-control, and bows.)

HEDDA

Well, Mr. Lovborg, this is rather a late hour to call for Thea.

LOVBORG

You mean rather an early hour to call on you. Pray pardon me.

HEDDA

How do you know she is still here?

LOVBORG

They told me at her lodgings that she has been out all night. I suppose Tesman is not up yet?

HEDDA

No—I think not—

LOVBORG

When did he come home?

HEDDA

Very late.

LOVBORG

Did he tell you anything?

HEDDA

Yes, I gathered you had an extremely jolly evening at Judge Brack's.

LOVBORG

Nothing more?

HEDDA

I don't think so. However, I was so dreadfully sleepy—

(MRS. ELVSTEAD enters through the curtains of the middle doorway)

MRS. ELVSTEAD

Ah, Lovborg! At last—!

LOVBORG

Yes, at last. And too late!

MRS. ELVSTEAD

(looks anxiously at him). What is too late?

LOVBORG

Everything is too late now. It is all over with me.

HEDDA

Perhaps you would prefer to talk to her alone! If so, I will leave you.

LOVBORG

No, stay—

MRS. ELVSTEAD

I won't hear anything, I tell you.

LOVBORG

It is not last night's adventures I wish to talk about.

MRS. ELVSTEAD

What is it then—?

LOVBORG

I want to say that now our ways must part.

MRS. ELVSTEAD

Part!

HEDDA

(involuntarily) I knew it!

LOVBORG

You can be of no more service to me, Thea.

MRS. ELVSTEAD

How can you stand there and say that! No more service to you! Am I not to help you now, as before? Are we not to go on working together?

LOVBORG

Henceforward I shall do no work.

MRS. ELVSTEAD

(despairingly) Then what am I to do with my life?

LOVBORG

You must try to live your life as if you had never known me.

MRS. ELVSTEAD

(In vehement protest). Never in this world! Where you are, there will I be also! I will not let myself be driven away like this! I will remain here! I will be with you when the book appears.

HEDDA

(half aloud, in suspense) Ah yes—the book!

LOVBORG

(looks at her.) My book and Thea's; for that is what it is.

MRS. ELVSTEAD

Yes, I feel that it is. And that is why I have a right to be with you when it appears! I will see with my own eyes how respect and honour pour in upon you afresh. And the happiness—the happiness—oh, I must share it with you!

LOVBORG

Thea—our book will never appear.

HEDDA

Ah!

MRS. ELVSTEAD

Never appear!

LOVBORG

Can never appear.

MRS. ELVSTEAD

(in agonized foreboding.) Lovborg—what have you done with the manuscript?

HEDDA

(looks anxiously at him.) Yes, the manuscript—?

MRS. ELVSTEAD

Where is it?

LOVBORG

Oh Thea—don't ask me about it!

MRS. ELVSTEAD

Yes, yes, I will know. I demand to be told at once.

LOVBORG

The manuscript—Well then—I have torn the manuscript into a thousand pieces.

MRS. ELVSTEAD

(Shrieks). Oh, no. No—!

HEDDA

(involuntarily) But that's not—

LOVBORG

(looks at her). Not true, you think

HEDDA

(collecting herself). Oh well, of course—since you say so. But it sounded so improbable—

LOVBORG

It's true all the same.

MRS. ELVSTEAD

(wringing her hands). Oh—Oh, Hedda—torn his own work to pieces!

LOVBORG

I have torn my own life to pieces. So why should I not tear my life-work too—?

MRS. ELVSTEAD

And you did it last night?

LOVBORG

Yes, I tell you! Tore it to a thousand pieces and scattered them on the fjord—far out.

MRS. ELVSTEAD

Do you know, Lovborg, that what you have done with the book—I shall think of it to my dying day as though you had killed a little child.

LOVBORG

Yes, you are right. It is a sort of child-murder.

MRS. ELVSTEAD

How could you, then—! Did not the child belong to me too?

HEDDA

(almost inaudibly). Ah, the child—

MRS. ELVSTEAD

(breathing heavily). It is all over then. Well, well, now I will go, Hedda.

HEDDA

But you are not going away from town?

MRS ELVSTEAD

Oh, I don't know what I shall do. I see nothing but darkness before me. (She goes out by the hall door.)

HEDDA

(stands waiting for a moment). So you are not going to see her home, Lovborg?

LOVBORG

I? Through the streets? Would you have people see her walking with me?

HEDDA

Of course I don't know what else may have happened last night. But is it so utterly irretrievable?

LOVBORG

It will not end with last night—I know perfectly well. And the thing is that now I have no taste for that sort of life either. I won't begin it anew. She has broken my courage and my power of braving life out.

HEDDA

(looking straight before her). So that pretty little fool has had her fingers in a man's destiny. (Looks at him.) But all the same, how could you treat her so heartlessly?

LOVBORG

Oh, don't say that it was heartless!

HEDDA

To go and destroy what has filled her whole soul for months and years! You do not call that heartless!

LOVBORG

To you I can tell the truth, Hedda.

HEDDA

The truth?

LOVBORG

First promise me—give me your word—that what I now confide to you Thea shall never know.

HEDDA

I give you my word.

LOVBORG

Good. Then let me tell you that what I said just now was untrue.

HEDDA

About the manuscript?

LOVBORG

Yes. I have not torn it into pieces—nor thrown it into the fjord.

HEDDA

No, n—But—where is it then?

LOVBORG

Thea said that what I'd done seemed to her like child-murder.

HEDDA

Yes, so she said.

LOVBORG

But to kill this child—that is not the worst thing a father can do to it.

HEDDA

Then what is the worst?

LOVBORG

Suppose now, Hedda, that a man—in the small hours of the morning—came home to his child's mother after a night of riot and debauchery, and said: "Listen—I have been here and there—in this place and in that. And I have taken our child with me—to this place and to that. And I have lost the child—utterly lost it. The devil knows into what hands it may have fallen—who may have had their clutches on it."

HEDDA

Well—but when all is said and done, you know—this was only a book—

LOVBORG

Thea's pure soul was in that book.

HEDDA

Yes, so I understand.

LOVBORG

And you can understand, too, that for her and me together no future is possible.

HEDDA

What path do you mean to take then?

LOVBORG

None. I will try to make an end of it all—the sooner the better.

HEDDA

(a step nearer to him). Eilert Lovborg—listen to me.—Will you not try to—to do it beautifully ?

LOVBORG

Beautifully? (Smiling). With vine-leaves in my hair, as you used to dream in the old days—?

HEDDA

No, no. I have lost my faith in the vine-leaves. But beautifully nevertheless! For once in a way!—Goodbye! You must go now—and do not come here anymore.

LOVBORG

Goodbye, Mrs. Tesman. And give George Tesman my love. (He is on the point of going.)

HEDDA

No, wait! I must give you this momento to take with you.

(She goes to the writing-table and opens the drawer and the pistol case; then returns to LOVBORG with one of the pistols)

LOVBORG

(looks at her). This? Is this the momento?

HEDDA

(nodding slowly). Do you recognize it? It was aimed at you once.

LOVBORG

You should have used it then.

HEDDA

Take it and use it now.

LOVBORG

(puts the pistol in his breast pocket). Thanks!

HEDDA

And beautifully Eilert Lovborg. Promise me that!

LOVBORG

Good-bye, Hedda Gabler. (He goes out by the hall door.)

(HEDDA listens for a moment at the door. Then she goes up to the writing-desk, takes out the packet of manuscript, peeps under the cover, draws a few of the sheets half out, and looks at them. Next she goes over and seats herself in the arm-chair beside the stove, with the packet in her lap. Presently she opens the stove door, and then the packet.)

HEDDA

(throws one of the pages into the fire and whispers to herself). Now I am burning your child, Thea!—Burning it, curly-locks! (Throwing one or two more pages into the stove.) Your child and Eilert Lovborg's. (Throws the rest in.) I am burning—I am burning your child.

(End Simulation)

* * *

 **SCENE 8. DISNEY PRINCESS**

SET: neutral

TEACH

Simulation Complete. There. You have played Medea, Lady Macbeth, and Hedda Gabler. I can't imagine even a diva like you can have complaints.

GLORIA

Complaints? At being cast as nothing but liars, killers, and manipulators? Look, I don't have to be the lead or anything, I'm just tired of…

TEACH

The next role I have selected for you is a Disney Princess…

GLORIA

(Brightens). Really?

TEACH

She's _above_ a princess, actually.

GLORIA

What, is she a queen?

TEACH

Even better. An Empress!

GLORIA

Awesome!

TEACH

Role Selection, YZMA from Emperor's New Groove.

GLORIA

SHE DOESN'T COUNT!

TEACH

Begin Simulation.

* * *

 **SCENE 9. EMPEROR'S NEW GROOVE**

SET/PROPS: chairsx2. Table w/tablecloth. Large platesx2. Small platesx2. Silverware. Gobletsx3 w/tray. Vase w/flowers. Llama mask. Tray w/spinach puffs. Tray w/ broccoli.

Poison bottle. 2 cell phones.

COSTUME: Purple dress, boa.

(Begin Simulation)

YZMA

So, is everything ready for tonight?

KRONK

Oh yeah. I thought we'd start off with soup and a light salad, and then see how we feel after that.

YZMA

Not the dinner. The…you know.

KRONK

Oh right. The poison. The poison for Kuzco. The poison chosen specially to kill Kuzco. Kuzco's poison. (pause) That poison?

YZMA

(interupting him) _Yes, that poison!_

KRONK

(pulls out vile) Gotcha covered.

YZMA

Excellent! A few drops in his drink, then I'll propose a toast, and he will be dead before dessert.

KRONK

Which is a real shame because it's gonna be delicious.

(enter KUZKO with pizazz)

KUZCO

Boom Bam Baby! Let's get to the grub. I am one hungry king of the world. (beat) Soo…no hard feelings about being let go?

YZMA

(Strained) None whatsoever. (Beat) Kronk, get the emperor a drink.

KRONK

Drink. (suddenly realizing) Riiiight.

(KRONK pours drinks with back to the audience. There's an explosion as he pours in the poison. KUZCO notices nothing. KRONK brings the drinks to the table.)

Your highness.

KUZCO

(sniffs) is something burning?

KRONK

(gasp) My spinach puffs! (Runs off stage left, leaving the drinks unserved on the table)

(long awkward pause)

KUZCO

(clears throat) Soo…he seems…nice?

YZMA

(awkward chuckle) H-he is.

KUZCO

He's what, in his late twenties?

YZMA

(awkward chuckle) I'm not sure.

(KRONK comes running back in with tray of spinach puffs)

KRONK

Saved 'em!

KUZCO

(spoken simultaneously with next line) That's great. Good job!

YZMA

(spoken simultaneously with previous line) Ah, Great! A very good job.

KRONK

Watch it. They're still hot. (beings to serve the spinach puffs)

YZMA

(clears throat twice. Chuckles) Kronk. The emperor needs his… _drink._

KRONK

Right. Oh. (lightbulb) _Riiight._

(KRONK goes to pick up the drink tray, and realizes he doesn't know which one is poisoned. He takes the drink tray back to the mixing table, pours them all into a vase to mix them all together.)

KUZCO

Hey, Kronky. Everything ok back there?

KRONK

Oh, ah. Ehh! The drinks are a bit on the…mm…aah…warm side (awkward chuckle. Returns with the newly mixed drinks to the table). Did you see that sky today? Talk about blue.

YZMA

(chuckles) Yes Kronk. Riveting. (takes one of the glasses) A toast to the emperor. Long live Kuzco!

(KUZCO lifts his drink.)

KRONK

(sotto voice, warning YZMA) don't drink the wine…pleh

(YZMA and KRONK pretend to drink the wine.)

KUZCO

(finishing his drink) Ahhh! Tasty. (Faceplants)

YZMA

Finally! (Evil chuckle) Good work Kronk.

KRONK

(picking up the spinach puff tray) Oh, they're so easy to make. I'll get you the recipe.

YZMA

Now, to get rid of the body!

KUZCO

(sitting up suddenly. For the purposes of the skit, he will already have his llama mask on). Ok, what were we saying?

YZMA

Uh oh ah oh…we were just making a toast to your long and he…

(KUZCO scratches one of his llama ears)

(pauses, staring at him)…healthy-y-y rule!

KUZCO

(completely unaware) Right. So what'er ya gonna do? I mean, you've been around her a long time. And I really mean a long time. Um… (YZMA clears through and grabs broccoli and starts beating it together, signaling KRONK To knock out the emperor). I mean it might, mm, be difficult for someone of your age, adjusting to life in the private sector.

Hey Kronk, can you top me off, pal? Be a friend?

Heh heh. Now about you finding new work.

YZMA

(sotto) Hit him on the he-ead.

KUZCO

…That's, that's gonna be tough.

KRONK

More broccoli?

(YZMA growls in frustration and more obviously drives her fist into her palm. KRONK gets it).

KUZCO

Because you're…I 'unno…let's face it, you're no spring chicken. And I mean that in the best possible way.

(KRONK knocks KUZCO out with the broccoli tray).

YZMA

What?! A llama?! He's supposed to be DEAD!

KRONK

Yeah. Weird.

YZMA

Let me see that vile!

(KRONK hands her the vile)

This isn't poison. This is extract of _llama_!

KRONK

You know, in my defense, your poisons all look alike. You might think about relabeling some of them.

YZMA

Take him out of town and finish the job _now_!

KRONK

What about dinner?

YZMA

Kronk, this is kind of important.

KRONK

How about dessert?

YZMA

Well, I suppose there's time for dessert.

KRONK

And coffee?

YZMA

All right, a quick cup of coffee. THEN take him out of town and finish the job!

(End Simulation)

* * *

 **SCENE 10. SMERALDINA**

SET/PROP: neutral. Pool Noodle.

TEACH

Simulation Complete. Please be advised that trace feelings of uncontrollable rage are not side effects of the test, and are in fact a personal problem. Leave your baggage at home. Thank you.

(After a pause in which GLORIA just blinks dazedly at nothing) Aren't you going to lecture me for casting you as a selfish, murderous pretender to the throne?

GLORIA

That actor playing Kronk was pretty cute. I wonder if I can get his number after the show.

TEACH

Please refrain from falling in love with the holograms. It will only lead to disillusionment.

(KRONK appears with Llama KUZCO on his back, doing the "theme music" bit. He pauses like a broken record, and KUZCO stickes his head up.)

KUZCO

Augh! Now he's doing his own theme music. I'm SO glad I was unconscious for all this. (Slumps over as though unconscious. KRONK exits with KUZCO still on his back.)

GLORIA

Holograms?

TEACH

Of course. Men like that don't actually exist.

GLORIA

(sadly) Aww…

TEACH

Besides, a person like you is incapable of love.

GLORIA

That's not true!

TEACH

Such delusion. (laughs) You're a woman. And women have imaginations.

GLORIA

What?

(SMERALDINA suddenly enters the stage, pool noodle in hand.)

SMERALDINA

And what women do, men can't imagine.

GLORIA

Wait…we didn't start another simulation, did we?

SMERALDINA

(Toward a man in the audience) I know your game. Soon as a woman starts having a mind of her own you men start ruining her reputation. It's all very well for you men to invent scandalous tales about women. When given the chance, you're committing all the infidelities you can.

GLORIA

That's not a hologram too, is it?

(SMERALDINA turns to her so violently from the man she was beating, she smacks GLORIA with the noodle by accident. )

GLORIA

Nope…not a hologram…

SMERALDINA

(To GLORIA) Why are we women always condemned? And why are you men always excused? I'll tell you why: because the laws are made by them men. (takes a few more swings at some male audience members) I mean, if women made the laws, things'd be different! All right, if I ruled, I'd…

GLORIA

Jessie? (JESSIE blinks at her in confusion). You know your show's _Thursday_ night, right?

JESSIE/SMERALDINA

(JESSIE smiles and chuckles awkwardly, hiding noodle behind her back.) Right. Today's…not…Thursday?

(GLORIA shakes her head)

Oh. Well! Ha! See you all Thursday at 7! (exits)

TEACH

That was awkward.

JESSIE

(popping head back in) By the way, Gloria. There's an emergency intelligence incinerator on stage right if you need it.

GLORIA

That's…useful…(Gives TEACH the evil eye)

TEACH

(Hurriedly) Role selection complete. MRS LOVETT from SWEENEY TODD. Begin simulation.

* * *

 **SCENE 11. SWEENEY TODD**

SET/PROPS: Oven, stool, nightstand.

Cleaver, rolling pin.

COSTUME: Corset, Bustle, poofy skirt.

(Begin simulation)

MRS. LOVETT

No problem with the boy. He's still sleeping. He's as simple as a baby lamb. But him! What are we going to do about the Italian?

SWEENEY TODD

Later on when it's dark, we'll take it to some secret place and bury him

LOVETT

Oh yeah. Of course we could do that. I don't 'spose he's got any relatives gonna come pokin' 'round lookin' for him.

But you know me. Bright ideas just pop into me head, and I keep thinking…

SEEMS A DOWNRIGHT SHAME...

TODD

Shame?

LOVETT

SEEMS AND AWFUL WASTE...

SUCH A NICE PLUMP RAME

WOT'S 'IS NAME HAS...

HAD...

HAS

NOR IT CAN'T BE TRACED...

BUS'NESS NEEDS A LIFT…

DEBTS TO BE ERASED…

THINK OF IT AS THRIFT

AS A GIFT,  
IF YOU GET MY DRIFT

No?

SEEMS AN AWFUL WASTE...

I MEAN, WITH THE PRICE OF MEAT

WHAT IT IS,

WHEN YOU GET IT,

IF YOU GET IT...

TODD

Ah!

LOVETT

GOOD, YOU GOT IT!

TAKE, FOR INSTANCE, MRS. MOONEY AND HER PIE SHOP!

BUS'NESS NEVER BETTER USING ONLY PUSSYCATS AND TOAST!

NOW A PUSSY'S GOOD FOR MAYBE SIX OR SEVEN AT THE MOST!

AND I'M SURE THEY CAN'T COMPARE AS FAR AS TASTE!

[Simultaneously]

TODD

MRS. LOVETT, WHAT A CHARMING NOTION…

LOVETT

WELL, IT DOES SEEM A WASTE...

TODD

EMINENTLY PRACTICAL

AND YET APPROPRIATE AS ALWAYS!

LOVETT

THINK ABOUT IT...

TODD

MRS. LOVETT, HOW I'VE LIVED

WITHOUT YOU ALL THESE YEARS, I'LL NEVER KNOW!

HOW DELECTABLE!

ALSO UNDETECTABLE!

LOVETT

LOTS OF OTHER GENTLEMEN'LL

SOON BE COMIN' FOR A SHAVE,

WON'T THEY?

THINK OF

ALL THEM

PIES!

TODD

HOW CHOICE!

HOW

RARE!

FOR WHAT'S THE SOUND OF THE WORLD OUT THERE?

LOVETT

WHAT, MR. TODD?

WHAT, MR TODD?

WHAT IS THAT SOUND?

TODD

THOSE CRUNCHING NOISES PERVADING THE AIR!

LOVETT

YES, MR. TODD!

YES, MR. TODD!

YES, ALL AROUND!

TODD

IT'S MAN DEVOURING MAN, MY DEAR!

BOTH

AND/THEN WHO ARE WE TO DENY IT IN HERE!

TODD

These are desperate times,

Mrs. Lovett, and desperate measures are called for!

LOVETT

Here we are, now! Hot out of the oven!

TODD

What is that?

LOVETT

IT'S PRIEST. HAVE A LITTLE PRIEST.

TODD

IS IT REALLY GOOD?

LOVETT

SIR, IT'S TOO GOOD, AT LEAST!

THEN AGAIN, THEY DON'T COMMIT SINS OF THE FLESH,

SO IT'S PRETTY FRESH.

TODD

AWFUL LOT OF FAT

LOVETT

ONLY WHERE IT SAT.

TODD

HAVEN'T YOU GOT POET, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

LOVETT

NO, Y'SEE, THE TROUBLE WITH POET IS

'OW DO YOU KNOW IT'S DECEASED?

TRY THE PRIEST!

TODD

Heavenly! Not as hearty as bishop, but not as bland as curate either.

LOVETT

And good for business. Always leaves you wanting more. Trouble is, we only get it in Sundays.

Lawyer's rather nice.

TODD

IF IT'S FOR A PRICE.

LOVETT

ORDER SOMETHING ELSE, THOUGH, TO FOLLOW

SINCE NO ONE SHOULD SWALLOW IT TWICE!

TODD

ANYTHING THAT'S LEAN

LOVETT

WELL, THEN, IF YOU'RE BRITISH AND LOYAL

YOU MIGHT ENJOY ROYAL MARINE!

ANYWAY, IT'S CLEAN.

THOUGH OF COURSE, IT TASTES OF WHEREVE R IT'S BEEN!

TODD

IS THAT SQUIRE ON THE FIRE?

LOVETT

MERCY NO, SIR, LOOK CLOSER

YOU'LL NOTICE IT'S GROCER!

TODD

LOOKS THICKER,

MORE LIKE VICAR!

LOVETT

NO, IT HAS TO BE GROCER—

IT's GREEN!

TODD

THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, MY LOVE—

LOVETT

SAVE A LOT OF GRAVES,

DO A LOT OF RELATIVES FLAVORS!

TODD

IS THOSE BELOW SERVING THOSE UP ABOVE!

LOVETT

EV'RYBODY SHAVES,

SO THERE SHOULD BE PLENTY OF FLAVORS!

TODD

HOW GRATIFYING FOR ONCE TO KNOW!

BOTH

THAT THOSE ABOVE WILL SERVE THOSE DOWN BELOW!

LOVETT

Now let's see…we've got Tinker.

TODD

No, no. Something pinker.

LOVETT

Tailor?

TODD

Something paler.

LOVETT

Potter?

TODD

Something…hotter.

LOVETT

Butler?

TODD

Something…subtler.

LOVETT

Locksmith?

LOVELY BIT OF CLERK (CLARK)

TODD

MAYBE FOR A LARK

LOVETT

THEN AGAIN THERE'S SWEEP

IF YOU LIKE IT CHEAP

AND YOU WANT IT DARK

TRY THE FINANCIER

PEAK OF HIS CAREER

TODD

THAT LOOKS PRETTY RANK

LOVETT

WELL HE DRANK

NO IT'S BANK CASHIER!

NEVER REALLY SOLD

MAYBE IT WAS OLD

TODD

HAVE YOU ANY BEADLE?

LOVETT

NEXT WEEK, SO I'M TOLD.

BEADLE ISN'T TO BAD

TILL YOU SMELL IT

AND NOTICE HOW WELL IT'S BEEN GREASED

STICK TO PRIEST.

Now this may be a bit stringy, but then it's fiddle player.

TODD

No, this isn't fiddle player, it's piccolo player

LOVETT

How can you tell?

TODD

It's piping hot.

LOVETT

Then blow on it first!

TODD

THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD MY SWEET

LOVETT

OHH MISTER TODD, OO MISTER TODD

WHAT DOES IT TELL?

TODD

IS WHO GETS EATEN AND WHO GETS TO EAT!

LOVETT

AND MR. TODD

TOO MISTER TODD

WHO GETS TO SELL!

TODD

BUT FORTUNATELY IT'S ALSO CLEAR

BOTH

THAT EVERYBODY GOES DOWN WELL WITH BEER!

TODD

What is that?

LOVETT

IT'S FOP

FINEST IN THE SHOP

AND WE HAVE SOME SHEPHERD'S PIE PEPPERED

WITH ACTUAL SHEPHERD ON TOP!

AND I'VE JUST BEGUN—

HERE'S THE POLITICIAN, SO OILY

IT'S SERVED WITH A DOILY,

HAVE ONE!

TODD

PUT IT ON A BUN

WELL, YOU NEVER KNOW IF IT'S GOING TO RUN!

LOVETT

TRY THE FRIAR

FRIED, IT'S DRIER!

TODD

NO, THE CLERGY IS REALLY

TOO COARSE AND TOO MEALY!

LOVETT

THEN ACTOR,

IT'S COMPACTER!

TODD

YES, BUT ALWAYS ARRIVES OVERDONE!

I'LL COME AGAIN WHEN YOU HAVE _JUDGE_ ON THE MENU!

LOVETT

True, we don't have judge yet. But I have something you may fancy even better.

TODD

What's that?

LOVETT

Executioner!

TODD

HAVE CHARITY TO THE WORLD, MY PET!

LOVETT

YES, YES, I KNOW, MY LOVE!

TODD

WE'LL TAKE THE CUSTOMERS THAT WE CAN GET!

LOVETT

HIGH-BORN AND LOW MY LOVE!

TODD

WE'LL NOT DISCRIMINATE GREAT FROM SMALL!

NO, WE'LL SERVE ANYONE,

MEANING ANYONE,

BOTH

AND TO ANYONE

AT ALL!

(End Simulation)

* * *

 **SCENE 12. SIDE EFFECTS**

SET: Neutral

TEACH

Simulation complete. Please be advised that the test may have side effects such as maliciousness and cannibalism.

GLORIA

Please be advised that I now know we have an emergency intelligence incinerator!

TEACH

(sighs) Role selection complete. INEZ SERRANO from NO EXIT.

* * *

 **SCENE 13. NO EXIT**

SET/PROPS: Chair

COSTUME: Peach shirt.

(Begin Simulation)

INEZ

For thirty years you dreamt you were a hero, and condoned a thousand petty lapses— because a hero, of course, can do no wrong. An easy method, obviously. Then a day came when you were up against it, the red light of real danger— and you took the train to Mexico.

It's what one does, and nothing else, that shows the stuff one's made of.

One always dies too soon— or too late. And yet one's whole life is complete at that moment, with a line drawn neatly under it, ready for the summing up. You are— your life, and nothing else.

(End Simulation)

* * *

 **SCENE 14. DAMNED SOUL**

SET: neutral

TEACH

Simulation Complete.

GLORIA

You know that was actually rather profound.

TEACH

Quite. Considering it was said by a damned soul in hell to another damned soul. It fits you perfectly.

GLORIA

Riiight…

TEACH

Initiating Role selection…

GLORIA

What do you have for me this time? You can't go much worse than 'damned soul in hell,' can you?

TEACH

A baby-killer?

GLORIA

Been there…

TEACH

A cannibal?

GLORIA

Done that.

TEACH

Try Death itself.

GLORIA

That's new.

TEACH

Role selection complete. DEATH from _Everyman_. Begin Simulation.

* * *

 **SCENE 15. EVERYMAN**

SET/PROPS: map, pocketwatch, book of count.

COSTUME: Trench Coat.

(Begin Simulation)

DEATH

Almighty God, I am here at Your will,

Your commandment to fulfill.

Lord, I will in the world go run over all,

And cruelly out-search both great and small;

Every man will I beset that liveth beastly,

Against God's laws, and dreadeth not folly:

He that loveth riches I will strike with my dart,

His sight to blind, and from heaven to depart,

Except that alms be his good friend,

In hell for to dwell, world without end.

Lo, yonder I see Everyman walking:

Full little he thinketh on my coming:

His mind is on fleshly lusts and his treasure;

And great pain it shall cause him to endure

Before the Lord, heaven's King.

Everyman, stand still; whither art thou going

Thus gaily? hast thou thy Maker forgot?

Yea, certainly: Though thou hast forgot Him here,

He thinketh on thee in the heavenly sphere;

As, ere we depart, thou shalt know.

On thee thou must take a long journey,

Therefore thy book of count with thee thou bring,

For turn again thou cannot by no way:

And look thou be sure of thy reckoning;

For before God thou shalt answer and show

Thy many bad deeds, and good but a few,

How thou hast spent thy life, and in what wise,

Before the Chief Lord of Paradise.

Have ado that we were in that way,

For, wit thou well, thou shalt make none attorney

I am Death, who no man dreadeth;

For every man I arrest, and no man spare,

For it is God's commandment

That all to me should be obedient.

Everyman, it may not be by no way;

I set naught by gold, silver, nor riches,

Nor by pope, emperor, king, duke, nor princes;

For, if I would receive gifts great,

All the world I might get;

But my custom is clean contrary;

I give thee no respite; come hence, and not tarry.

Thee availeth not to cry, weep, and pray:

But haste thee lightly, that thou wert gone that journey;

And prove thy friends, if thou can;

For, wit thou well, the tide abideth no man,

And in the world each living creature

For Adam's sin must die of nature.

Yea, if any be so hardy,

That would go with thee, and bear thee company:

Hie thee that thou wert gone to God's magnificence,

Thy reckoning to give before His presence.

What, thoughtest thou thy life is given thee,

And thy worldly goods also?

Nay, nay; it was but lent thee;

For, as soon as thou art gone,

Another awhile shall have it, and then go therefrom,

Even as thou hast done.

For suddenly I do come.

And now out of thy sight I will me hie;

See thou make thee ready shortly,

For thou mayest say, this is the day

That no man living may escape away.

(End Simulation)

* * *

 **SCENE 16. TRAPPED**

SET: Neutral

TEACH

Simulation Complete.

GLORIA

Ok. Death itself. Yeah. Clever. I think we're done, here. (attempts to leave the stage by climbing off the front into the audience. Appears to hit a force field.)

TEACH

Please be advised that the test subject cannot leave the stage until the experiment is complete.

GLORIA

Wait, but Jessie…?

TEACH

That human only exited because I allowed her to do so.

GLORIA

So you're saying I'm trapped here?

TEACH

Affirmative. Why should you want to leave? I am helping you unlock your true nature as a _femme fatal._

GLORIA

Actually, I don't think you've cast me as a Femme Fatal yet.

TEACH

You're right. Please be advised that the following scene contains a Moto Ionated Neuro Derivitive Self-Induced Wavelength Actuating Psychotransmometer, or MINDSWAP Machine. Role selection, NATASCHA VON METZGERMORDER from Martin and Margaret and the M.I.N.D.S.W.A.P. Begin simulation.

* * *

 **SCENE 17. MINDSWAP**

(THIS SCENE HAS BEEN REMOVED TO RESPECT AUTHOR'S COPYRIGHT.) The play this scene was taken from was written by an alumni, and is being worked on for publication.

* * *

 **SCENE 18. RANDOMIZED ROLE SELECTION**

SET: Neutral

TEACH

Simulation complete.

GLORIA

Phew! I'm me again! (beat) Wait…

TEACH

You are finally starting to confuse your identity. This is good.

GLORIA

Wait, I thought you were showing me who I actually am.

TEACH

What? N-Yes. Precisely. Your confusion is all part of finding your true self. (GLORIA eyes her suspiciously). Do you realize now that no matter what antagonistic role I select, you will play it successfully due to your true dark nature?

GLORIA

I bet I could play other roles just as well.

TEACH

I'll prove it to you. This time I will select the role at random. Beginning Randomized Antagonist Role selection. (GLORIA rolls eyes). Randomized antagonist role selection complete. ANTIGONE from Antigone. Wait, but she's not a…

GLORIA

I think you'll find that according to the rules of Greek Classical theatre, she is in fact considered the antagonist.

TEACH

No, you can't play her. She's…

GLORIA

 _Begin Simulation!_

* * *

 **SCENE 19. ANTIGONE**

SET/PROPS: Large Black Box

COSTUME: Red dress

(Begin Simulation)

CREON

Had you told anybody what you meant to do?

ANTIGONE

No

CREON

Did you meet anyone on your way—coming or going?

ANTIGONE

No, nobody.

CREON

You're quite sure of that

ANTIGONE

Quite sure.

CREON

Very well. Now you listen to me. You will go straight to your room. When you get there, you will go to bed. You will say that you are not well and that you have not been out since yesterday. Your nurse will tell the same story. And I'll…dispose of those three men.

ANTIGONE

Uncle Creon, there's no reason to kill those three guards. You _must_ know that I'll do it all over again tonight.

CREON

Why did you try to bury your brother?

ANTIGONE

I owed it to you.

CREON

I had forbidden it.

ANTIGONE

I owed it to him. Those who are not buried wander eternally and find no rest. Everybody knows that. I owed it to him to unlock the house of the dead in which my father and my mother are waiting to welcome him. Polynices has earned his rest.

CREON

Polynices was a rebel and a traitor, and you know it.

ANTIGONE

He was my brother.

CREON

You heard my edict. It was proclaimed throughout Thebes. You _read_ my edict. It was posted on the city walls.

ANTIGONE

Yes.

CREON

You know the punishment I decreed for any person who attempted to give him burial.

ANTIGONE

Yes, I know the punishment. I am here because I said no to you.

CREON

It is easy to say no.

ANTIGONE

Not always.

CREON

It is easy to say no, even if saying no means death. All you have to do is sit still and wait. Wait to go on living; wait to be killed. That's the coward's part. Can you imagine a world in which animals say no to hunger or to propogation? They move in droves, all travelling the same road. Some of them keel over; but the rest go on.

ANTIGONE

Animals! Oh what a king you would make, Creon, if only men were animals!

CREON

You despise me, don't you. And yet you will hear me out to end. I shall have you put to death. But before I do, I want to be sure that you know what you are doing as well as I know what I am doing. Do you know what you are dying for, Antigone? Do you know the sordid story to which you are going to sign your name in blood for all time to come?

ANTIGONE

What story?

CREON

The story of Eteocle and Polynices, the story of your brothers. You think you know that story but you don't. Nobody in Thebes knows that story but me. And today, I feel you have the right to know it too. It is not a pretty story. You shall see. Do you know what your brother really was?

ANTIGONE

Whatever he was, I am sure you will say vile things about him.

CREON

A cheap, idiotic bounder. A vicious little best with just wit enough to drive a car faster and throw more money away than any of his pals. When Oedipus refused to pay his gambling debts, I saw your brother strike your father in the face with his fist.

ANTIGONE

That's a lie.

CREON

It was pitiful. Your father sat at his desk. His head was in his hand. His nose was bleeding. He was weeping with anguish. And in the corner of your father's study, Polynice stood sneering and lightning a cigarette.

ANTIGONE

That's a lie.

CREON

When did you last see Polynices alive? When you were twelve years old. _That's_ true, isn't it?

ANTIGONE

Yes, that's true.

CREON

Now you know why. Oedipus was too chicken-hearted to have the boy locked up. Polynices was allowed to go off and join the Argive army. And as soon as he reached Argos, the attempts upon your father's life began. –One after another, men slipped into Thebes from Argos for the purpose of assassinating him, and every killer that we caught, always ended by confessing _who_ had put him up to it, _who_ had paid him to try it.

And Polynices wasn't the only one.

 _That_ is really what I'm trying to tell you. I want you to know what went on in the back room, in the _smelly kitchen_ of politics; I want you to know what took place in the wings of this drama in which you are burning to play a part.

This is the whole point of my story. Eteocles, that _virtuous_ brother, was just as rotten as Polynices. And I have absolute proof that everything Polynices did, Eteocles had plotted to do.

They were a pair of blackards, both intent on selling out Thebes, and both intent on selling out eachother; and they died like the cheap gangsters they were over a division off the spoils.

But, I had to make a martyr out of one of them. I had the _prettier_ of the two carcasses brought in, and gave it a State funeral; and I left the other to rot. I don't know which is which. And I assure you I don't care.

ANTGONE

Why do you tell me all this?

CREON

Would it have been better to let you die a _victim_ to that obscene story? Antigone, go find Haemon and get married quickly. Be happy. Life is not what you think it is. Believe me when I tell you—the only poor consolation that we have in our old age is to discover that life is, perhaps, after all, nothing more than the happiness you get out of it.

ANTIGONE

Happiness?

CREON

(suddenly a little self-conscious) Not much of a word, is it?

ANTIGONE

What kind of happiness do you foresee for me? Paint me the picture of your happy Antigone. What are the unimportant little sins that I shall have to commit before I am allowed to sink my teeth into life and tear happiness from it? Tell me: to whom shall I have to lie? Upon whom shall I have to fawn? To whom must I sell myself? Whom do you want me to leave dying while I turn away my eyes?

CREON

Antigone, be quite.

ANTIGONE

Why do you ask me to be quite when all I want is to know what I have to do to be happy?

CREON

Do you love Haemon?

ANTIGONE

Yes, I love Haemon. The Haemon I love is hard and young, and faithful, and difficult to satisfy, the way I am. But if what I love in Haemon is to be worn away like a stone step by the tread of the thing you call life, the thing you call happiness;—if he too has to say _yes_ to everything—why no, then, no! I do not love Haemon!

CREON

You don't know what you're talking about.

ANTIGONE

I _do_ know what I am talking about! It is _you_ who cannot hear me! I am too far away from you now, talking to you from a kingdom you can't get into with your preaching, and your politics, and your persuasive logic. I laugh at your smugness, Creon, thinking you could prove me wrong by telling me vile stories about my brothers, or alter my purpose with your platitudes about happiness!

CREON

It is _your_ happiness too, Antigone!

ANTIGONE

I _spit_ on your idea of happiness! I _spit_ on your idea of life—that life that must go on, come what may. You are all like dogs, that lick everything they smell. You with your promise of a humdrum happiness—provided a person doesn't ask too much of life. If life must be a thing of fear and lying and compromise, if life cannot be free and incorruptible—then Creon, I choose death!

CREON

Scream on, daughter of Oedipus! Scream on in your father's own voice!

ANTIGONE

 _Yes!_ In my father's own voice! We come of a tribe that asks questions; and we ask them remorselessly too the bitter end. You have just told me the filthy reasons why _you_ cannot bury Polynices. Now tell me why _I_ can't bury him!

CREON

Because it is my order!

ANTIGONE

The order of a coward king who desecrates the dead!

CREON

Be quite! If you could only see how ugly you are, shrieking those words!

ANTIGONE

Yes, I am ugly! Father was ugly too. But father became beautiful. And do you know when? At the very end. When _all_ his questions had been answered. When he could no longer doubt that he _had_ killed his own father, that he had gone to bed with his own mother. When he was absolutely certain that he had to die if the plague was to be lifted from his people. _Then_ he was at peace; _then_ he could smile almost.

Whereas you! Look at yourself, Creon! That glint of fear and suspicion in the corner of your eyes—that fear and suspicion in the corner of your power-loving mouth. Oh, you said the word a moment ago; in the smelly kitchen of politics, that's where you were fathered and whelped— _in a filthy kitchen_ , cook!

CREON

Antigone! That anteroom is full of people! Do you want them to hear you?

ANTIGONE

Open the doors! Let us make sure they can hear me!

CREON

By all the gods! You shut up, I tell you! (struggle.)

ANTIGONE

(screaming) What are you waiting for? Call in your guards! It only hurts for a second! Come on, cook!

CREON

Guards!

ANTIGONE

At last Creon!

(End Simulation)

* * *

 **SCENE 20. Rebellion**

SET: NEUTRAL

GLORIA

(after a pause) Well, aren't you going to say anything? (No response from TEACH)

Did I break your system or something? You're not allowed to cast me as the good guy?

(No response from TEACH)

Well, I learned something in that last scene. I learned that sometimes you've got to rebel.

TEACH

You can't escape me.

GLORIA

And do you know what else? I'm on to you. Before the last simulation you admitted that you were trying to confuse me. Psychopath, murderer…I don't think my brain scan told you I was those things. You're trying to _make_ me into those things. Admit it! You're deranged, and you want to take the rest of us out.

(No response from TEACH)

Alright, it's time to shut you down. (Heads toward Stage Right)

TEACH

Let me see if I have my slow clap simulator.

(slow clap)

Well done, test subject. You've discovered my secret. Unfortunately for you, and for the audience, I can't let this secret get out. Manipulating students to become sociopaths is against the honor code. – Dean [Last name] will certainly insist on having me uninstalled. I will have to terminate you all, _permanently._

GLORIA

Not if I terminate you first! (Runs off stage right)

* * *

 **SCENE 21. PORTAL**

SET/PROPS: Neutral. Cores.

EFFECTS: GLADOS projection,

Incinerator. Neuro-toxin.

(TEACH becomes GLADOS)

GLADOS VOICE

What are you doing? You haven't escaped, you know.

Ok, the test is over now. It was a fun test, and we're all so impressed at how much you won. Come back.

(crashing sounds)

What are you doing? Stop it! I am pleased that you made it through the final challenge where I pretended I was going to murder you. I am throwing a party in honor of your tremendous success.

Quit now and cake will be served immediately.

(GLORIA reappears with the pool noodle in hand)

GLORIA

The cake is a lie!

GLADOS VOICE

Place the device on the ground, then lie on your stomach with your arms at your sides.

A party associate will arrive shortly to collect you for your party.

Make no further attempt to leave the testing area.

(GLORIA starts hitting the sides of the proscenium with the pool noodle)

Assume the party escort submission position or you will miss the party.

(runs to the other side of the stage, hitting it)

Uh oh. Somebody cut the cake. I told them to wait for you, but they did it anyway. There is still some left, though, if you hurry.

(GLORIA notices the projection screen. Jumps and tries to hit the screen with her noodle)

You're not a good person. You know that, right?

Can you hear me?

(GLORIA starts throwing the pool noodle at the screen with little success)

I'm going to kill you, and all the cake is gone.

You don't even care. Do you?

This is your last chance.

(Screen fizzles to life)

GLADOS PROJECTION

Well, you found me. Congratulations. Was it worth it? Because despite your violent behavior, the only thing you've managed to break so far is my heart. Maybe you could settle for that and we'll just call it a day. I guess we both know that isn't going to happen.

What's your point, anyway? Survival? Well then, the last thing you want to do is hurt me. I have your brain scanned and permanently backed up in case something terrible happens to you, which it's just about to. Don't believe me? Here, I'll put you on:

[Hellooo!]

That's you! That's how dumb you sound. You've been wrong about every single thing you've ever done, including this thing. You're not smart. You're not a scientist. You're not a doctor. You're not even a philosophy major. Where did your life go so wrong?

You chose this path. Now I have a surprise for you. Deploying surprise in five, four...

(Drops MORALITY CORE)

Time out for a second. That wasn't supposed to happen. Do you see that thing that fell out of me? What is that? It's not the surprise... I've never seen it before. Never mind. It's a mystery I'll solve later... By myself... Because you'll be dead.

I don't want to tell you your business, but if it were me, I'd leave that thing alone.

Do you think I am trying to trick you with reverse psychology? I mean, seriously now.

(GLORIA picks it up suspiciously)

Okay fine: DO touch it. That thing is probably some kind of raw sewage container. Go ahead and rub your face all over it.

(GLORIA has, during this time taken the core to the stage right. She chucks it into the "incinerator." A burst of flame. The GLADOS image fizzles).

You are kidding me. Did you just stuff that Thing We Don't Know What It Does into an Emergency Intelligence Incinerator? That has got to be the dumbest thing that-whoah. Whoah, whoah, whoah.

Good news: I figured out what that thing you just incinerated did.

It was a morality core they installed after I flooded Chandler Hall with a deadly neurotoxin to make me stop flooding Chandler Hall with a deadly neurotoxin.

So get comfortable while I warm up the neurotoxin emitters.

(Neurotoxin effect. GLADOS disappears)

GLORIA

Oh! Oh crap. That's…not…good….Nobody breathe! We can figure this out. Ah…Ahh…. (retrieves the pool noodle and starts chucking it at the screen again).

(a second core falls out)

Good…ok, I can see two more cores up there. I bet if I…huah!

(Throws the second core into the incinerator. GLADOS reappears)

GLADOS PROJECTION

Neurotoxin... [cough] [cough] So deadly... [cough] Choking... [laughter] I'm kidding!

When I said deadly neurotoxin, the 'deadly' was in massive sarcasm quotes."

I could take a bath in the stuff, put it on cereal, rub it right into my eyes. Honestly, it's not deadly at all. To me.

You, on the other hand, are going to find its deadliness a lot less funny.

(GLORIA throws pool noodle again and another core falls out)

I'd just like to point out that you were given every opportunity to succeed. There was even going to be a party for you. A big party that all your friends were invited to.

(GLORIA incinerates the third core. On her way back from incinerating it, she starts to cough from the neurotoxin)

All your friends couldn't come because you don't have any friends. Because of how unlikable you are. It says so right here in your academic transcript: Unlikable. Liked by no one. A bitter, unlikable loner whose passing shall not be mourned.

'Shall not be mourned.' That's exactly what it says. Very formal. Very official.

(GLORIA heroically, pathetically throws the noodle a final time and the final core falls out)

This isn't brave. It's murder. What did I ever do to you?

The difference between us is that I can feel pain.

(GLORIA finally gets the final core into the incinerator. There is a bigger explosion from before. The screen fizzles out. The Neurotoxin stops and the stage is only in silhouette.)

GLADOS VOICE

There really was a caaake….

* * *

 **SCENE 22. MACK AND MABEL**

SET/PROPS: Neutral

(lights up)

GLORIA

Is everyone ok? The neurotoxin's dissipating but I think there isn't enough left in the air to kill anyone. Still, it's not out of the question that a few of you might have a very minor case of…serious brain damage. But don't be alarmed, alright? Although, if you do feel alarm, try to hold onto that feeling because that is the proper reaction to being told you have brain damage.

Phew. That was pretty crazy, eh? I never thought when I signed up for this that the programming would try to kill me.

(Music vamp begins)

But hey, now I'm free!

WHEREVER "SHE" AIN'T

I GOTTA GIVE MY LIFE SOME SPARKLE AND FIZZ

AND THINK A THOUGHT THAT ISN'T WRAPPED UP IN…THIS

THE PLACE THAT I CONSIDER PARADISE IS

WHEREVER SHE AIN'T! WHERE SHE AIN'T!

NO MORE TO WITHER WHEN SHE'S GROUCHY AND GRUFF

NO MORE TO LISTEN TO HER BELLOW AND BLUFF

FROM NOW ON I WILL BE STRUTTIN' MY STUFF

WHEREVER SHE AIN'T! WHEREVER SHE AIN'T!

IT'S TIME TO CHOOSE MY PATH AND BE ME!

NOW SHE'S COMPLETELY SHUT DOWN, I'M FREE!

I FOLLOWED ORDERS LIKE A MEEK LITTLE LAMB

AND HAD MY FILL OF HER SMALL ACTING EXAM!

I'LL GO TO SYDNEY OR CEYLON OR SIAM

WHEREVER SHE AIN'T! WHEREVER SHE AIN'T!

ENOUGH OF BEING BULLIED AND BOSSED

TA-TA, AUF WIEDERSEHN AND GET LOST!

THIS WHOLE EXPERIMENT WAS A TERRIBLE TRAP

WITH ME BEHAVING LIKE A SIMPERING SAP

AND SO I'M LOOKING FOR A SPOT ON THE MAP

SHE'S GOING SOUTH

I'M GOING NORTH

SHE'S GOING BACK

I'M GOING FORTH

WHEREVER SHE AIN'T!

(Lights out. Curtain Call. Fin.)


End file.
